butterfly wings

A couple of my best friends came over yesterday and we had tea. Amidst all my frantic clearing, culling and cleaning, a break. Gay gave me a Hello Kitty pad. Sara bought everything but the tea. I had invited them over never thinking to actually get anything to eat or drink! Knee deep in acquisitions turned to 'what the hell do we do with this', I was losing my mind.
I was so driven and intent on getting it done, that I didn't even realize how insane I was becoming.
Who invites someone over for tea and doesn't even know if they have tea!
The new kitchen is frighteningly neutral. I can't get used to it. Its gorgeous, clean and well organized but it's so new, so not mine. Every time I go in it I feel like its a hotel, which is odd because I don't tend to stay in hotels with kitchens, if such a thing even exists. Luckily Dick had left teabags on the brand new stove, for me. So, ah, yes, we had tea and I could find it! Gotta love that Dick ;-}.
Uh, anyway, I heat up a pan of water, having lost the kettle in boxes somewhere. And returned to our conversation. I had one of those meta moments where everything seems like a movie. I was happy to have my pals chatting amongst the boxes that would soon be be gone. Got my pad out and used it today and I didn't realize until then that 'hello kitty' winked. Okay, so cool! ;-}. The weather is cold and rainy today and the Realtor came by. She was very honest and upbeat about selling, we agreed about trying to figure out the vagaries of the market at the moment, in other words, we'll clean up and out some more and make a decision next Friday. Dick and I absentee voted today and then I had a pomegranate martini and we split a sandwich at the Capitol Chophouse. Its a steak house, but it has some good non-steak stuff. They make this chopped salad that is soooo good and filling. Its dense! We just had to celebrate. The vote, the option to relax, the releasing of things. I feel myself growing butterfly wings, they are just little buds, but they are there, little nubs on my back.

wonderwall and paper cuts

Liz says: It is physical pain that really does ache when someone breaks your heart. The weird thing is that it can come from nowhere. Nowhere, in this case is eBay. I know I should have a thicker skin, I should be and do a lot of things. I have never been able to have a thick skin and meanness has always been able to soak right in like lotion on my skin. I was always too referred to as too sensitive, but you are what you are. My skin is too dry, too.
So, I was a fanatical Oasis collector. Oasis is a band, plain old guitar rock from England. Manchester to be specific. There was a lot of things I like about the music,snide and sweet at the same time.
Anyway, one of the things I have learned is how much fun it has been to sell my Oasis collection. At times, it was like I was giving Christmas presents to people I never met. They were happy, I was happy. things I had saved and cared for for 9 years were now bringing joy to other people all over. It was great.
Then, a couple of people tried to rob me, not with a gun but with negative feedback. They get on eBay and give you negative feedback for a transaction because they can and you can't do anything about it. It has become a place where the buyer can extort, try to corrupt you, steal from you and you cannot do anything about it. This has happened to me 3 times in the past 2 months. The last 2 times in the past week. One guy wanted me to insure my speakers which he bought for $400 for $1000. Surprise, surprise, when he got them, he claimed there was damage. I told him I would not lie about how much he paid for them. I can expect negative feedback from him.
Then there are the 2 from England who wanted more than was for sale, they both left negative feedback because I would not give them more for the same amount of money.
They all left feedback saying I was a ripoff, con. They sent abusive emails everyday.
Even though I have sold over a couple of hundred Oasis items, those three hurt my heart. I'm a sap. I shouldn't care. Boo,hoo. But even the tiniest cuts cause pain. Paper cuts come from nowhere and hurt like hell.
When I look a the photo of my wonderwall, I can think most of it went to good people with good hearts. The wonderwall has dissipated,the paper cuts will heal, and the mean people will wonder why the world is such a lousy place. At least that's my religion.

carpet of thyme

Liz says: The appliances came today and we sold my bike all in one fell swoop. Hannibal Rising is on the TV and i'm compelled to watch because the cinematography is very good. It also has two actors so far, that i really like. Vorinous from Rome and McMurphy from the Wire. i hate violence so i am constantly turning to the next station over to wait out the horrid scenes. Little Man is on the next station, a Wayans comedy about a photoshop person with a man's head on a baby body. Horror, stupid,horror, stupid, tension, quick stu-,no horror still, back to stupid. Ah, Vorinus is a nazi that killed Hannibal's sister. Uh oh.
Anyway, we ran all over pursuing the idea of staging. How to make 'the house' someone else's dream. My dream transferred to someone else. I love my little garden but even they were on the way to France. The boxes were my tribute to parterre gardens. I was a mad person on a mission after the first trip to France. First there was a mountain of dirt as big as the driveway, then there were 5 white boxes of dirt and a mountain of mulch.
Too bad for Vorenous.
Then little evergreens trees in the corners, mini boxwood's to punctuate the edges, lavender, thyme, geraniums blue ones, the perennials the rabbits won't eat.
Lovely to think about. The 250 daffodil bulbs and the sprinkling of hyacinths that would arrive the next spring. The little japanese maple, beautiful burgundy stars surrounded by the smallest leaves i could find. A miniscule mint, it was all so lovely to think about and plot out. On the side yard, the lily walk with huge glorious blooms from pink and yellow to the darkest colors humans could force.
All on a carpet of thyme.
We will probably sell the house in winter, none of this will be evident. The snow will mound upon the little trees until their little heads are so weighted down no one will even know they are there. But spring will be a sweet surprise. The little pink and yellow heads will force their way through the gray remnants of snow and uh, oh yeah, i won't be here to see it ;-} .

Figuring and figuring

I figured it would be easy to apply for unemployment and in a way it was. First, if you make any money at all, it appears that you'll reach the upper limit of compensation, which in my case is less than a third of my former salary. Going through the application process online is pretty straightforward, although at times the government speak is so opaque that you have to kind of wing it when answering a question. Whatever I did, I did wrong and when I got to the end of the application, I was told to call a claims person in the Madison office. I did that, and the woman who finally answered could obviously see my application on her computer. It was never clear to me what I'd done wrong, but she asked a few questions, then I asked if I had any of my own. She sounded both bored and annoyed, but I chalked this up to seven hours or so spent answering the phone in a cubicle five days a week. Big mistake. I'd already sensed that one should not trifle with the unemployment people. All the online and print stuff that they provide to the applicant suggests that unless you tread the straight and narrow and follow their directions to the letter, you will be fined and perhaps prosecuted. But for some reason I'd concluded that the claims person was my ally. So instead of asking brief questions that required even briefer yes or no answers, I asked, "Now, the print material says that mailing in resumes is frowned upon, unless that's the common practice in your field. That's the common practice in my field, so are electronic applications. Is that a problem?" Long pause. Then, the formerly bored and slightly annoyed woman at the other end of the line snapped, "Read the material that will be sent to you. It will explain the process!"

LIZ says: Its the middle of the beginning. Selling everything that was so precious, so important 2,3 months ago on eBay/craigslist/garage sales, is an enlightening experience. Tedious typing and flashes of when and why you acquired it in the first place.
It's already someone else's house. My home, my garden, it's all gone. Now its just more stuff to get rid of, let it go. I must say that to myself ten times a day. The carpenter is putting together someone else's kitchen now. Don't think about buying more flowers, it's someone else's garden.
It hasn't even gone on the market yet, but I'm detached. This place is over. Active waiting. This is active waiting and I'm not even the least bit sad ;-}.